Building Confidence in Middle School Girls: Practical Strategies for Moms 

#1: Find an activity where your daughter can genuinely thrive 

You’re probably thinking, “Did I really click on this article to be told to find the things my daughter is good at and do them?” But ask yourself, have the activities your daughter is involved in evolved as she has? Middle school is often a new era for our daughters, and they might be excited to explore or deepen new interests. Most of us start our kindergarten girls in soccer, piano, or dance, and maybe they’ve displayed some proficiency in those activities, but are they genuinely thriving? “Thriving” is that feeling you get when you’re in a state of flow- when you’re functioning or achieving without too much hard work and effort, and you truly enjoy what you’re doing. Maybe your daughter is thriving in soccer; she gets a lot of playing time and is growing and developing on a strong team. Or, perhaps she’s just passing from year to year and getting less excited by the same-old, same-old. What else has your daughter shown interest and skill in that you might be able to explore further? 

Here are some ideas that are a bit more off-the-beaten-path than the typical sports: 

• Singing 
• Cooking
• Acting/Drama  
• Volunteering 
• Knitting/Sewing
• Debate 
• Writing
• Technical theatre (set-building, sound, lights, etc.)  
• Taking care of animals 
• Golf 
• Farming/Gardening 
• Horseback Riding 
• Tutoring 
• Blogging 
• Creating online content
• Building/construction 

Being involved in an activity where they can thrive—do the work well without too much extra effort—builds girls’ confidence because it helps them find “their thing,” further solidifying their identity. Sure, maybe they’re on the soccer team, but now they’re also their friends’ go-to for when they want a glittery patch sewn on a backpack, or they wrote a poem that was entered into a contest.

Once you’ve identified a skill or activity you’d like to invest in, look online for local clubs, classes, or related groups. Your local park district is a great place to start, as is asking on your local mom social media pages. If you’d like more ideas, feel free to contact me!   

#2: Now, find something that challenges them

Now that you’ve begun investing some time and energy into the activity your daughter thrives in let’s also find something that challenges her! Before we start here, though, I want to emphasize that this step should not be taken without achieving the first step. To build confidence, our middle school girls need to have their niche, their thing, to rely on when they’re experiencing the discomfort of being challenged. How do you find an activity that will challenge your daughters without throwing your money away on something they’ll never be good at or making them feel less than? First, explore options by asking: 

“What have you always wanted to improve but haven’t had the time?” 

“Is there an activity or skill your friends are doing that you’d like to learn more about?” 

“Is there a club at school that sounds fun but would be completely new to you?” 

Once the activity has been identified, talk to the teacher, manager, or coach and let them know this is a stretch activity for your daughter. Let them know you’re working on building confidence and want your daughter to reflect on how she improves in an activity she used to be unfamiliar with. This helps the coach understand your family’s goals and find opportunities for learning and developing for your child (and others!). Once the activity has started, stay involved! Don’t micromanage, but allow your daughter to share her feelings throughout the process or season. Maybe even institute a weekly coffee date after the activity to normalize reflection and connection. Ask your daughter about her goals for the activity, and follow her lead on how she wants to continue. Always highlight their hard work, growth, attitude, and accomplishments when taking on this challenge. 

#3: Connect with the teachers of their favorite classes 

Middle school is typically a time when parent-teacher communication drops significantly. Gone are the days of the weekly teacher newsletter or the close relationship with the one teacher who knows your daughter almost as well as you do. Now, your daughter has multiple teachers and shorter classes and handles many of those communications independently. Often, the only time (outside of quarterly conferences) parents connect directly with teachers is if there is a problem. However, to build your daughter’s confidence, I encourage you to communicate with her favorite class or subject teacher. In this class, your daughter holds her head high, answers questions, engages with the content, and, most likely, connects with the teacher. She’s doing good things, and you should know more about them! Request a quick call once a quarter or so with the teacher, explaining that you’d love to celebrate your daughter’s growth and progress in their class and would love some examples of how your daughter shows confidence. Give that great feedback to your girl! Ensure she knows that her teacher has noticed her success and hard work and praise or reward her for her effort. Ask questions about why she loves that subject. Was there a fantastic book they read this year? Does the teacher use real-life examples that your daughter relates to? Does she get excited when she solves a problem she initially found difficult?  These questions lead to more significant conversations about her future path and build her identity as a student and a growing woman. 

#4:  Make your presence known and felt 

How many of us look back at 13 or 14 and think, “Wow, I was so young!!”? Yet somehow, moms of middle school girls often step away from their daughters at this age. You’ll frequently hear moms say, “I let them work out their own problems,” when talking about girl drama in middle school. However, we must remember that our girls are still young, and their brains are still developing. Their bodies may be changing, their attitudes may be shifting, and they may think they can handle it all, but they still need our guidance. They need help thinking through decisions, understanding the impact of their actions, and learning coping mechanisms when things don’t go as expected. Get to know their friends so you can help them think through challenging friendship issues. Get to know their friends’ mothers to connect when something seems off. Snuggle up with them at night and ask about their days. Encourage them to spend more time with the friends you notice bring them joy and seem to have similar values to your family. Being there for your daughter, making sure she knows you don’t mind being asked for advice (even on tough or sticky situations), or sharing your perspective helps her to feel like she is cocooned with support and love and safe to take risks, or step out on a limb for a friend or her beliefs.  Building confidence comes alongside establishing identity; our family is a huge part of who we are. Keep ensuring your daughter feels secure in that identity! 

#5: Let your own confidence shine 

Moms, your daughters are watching you! Are you displaying the confidence you hope to see in your daughters and yourself? Are you spending time in activities where you feel you’re thriving? Do you challenge yourself to try new things? Often, our daughters look to us to see what it means to be a strong, confident woman. If you answered no to the above questions, first go back and read strategies 1 & 2, but apply them to yourself! 

Now that you’ve considered how you are focused on your thriving and confidence-building, consider what messages your daily routines or actions might send to your daughters. Here are some tips to build your confidence: 

• Find a wardrobe that makes YOU feel good in your body NOW. We’ll talk about body issues in another article, but for now, let’s admit it’s hard to feel confident when you don’t love the body you’re living in right now. In today’s world, while fatphobia is alive and well, there is, thankfully, also a plethora of positive body images, accounts, influencers, and trends out there. I consider myself “mid-sized, and I follow a few influencers on Instagram who’ve helped me build a wardrobe that makes me feel put together. As a bonus, you’ll bond with your daughters when they want to look for new clothes or makeup (if that’s their thing!), too. 
• Talk openly and often about the things you love about yourself. Are you a well-loved and admired boss? Do you have fantastic hair? Are you an excellent public speaker? Do you have fabulous baking, cooking, or organizational skills? Be sure your daughter knows! If you’re loud and proud about what makes you unique and special, she will learn it’s ok for her to love things about herself. Also, be careful not to engage in too much negative self-talk around your daughter. 
• Surround yourself with positive and supportive friends and family, and celebrate those relationships. Show your daughter how important having a squad is and that being selective about who those friends are is both important and acceptable. Celebrate your friends’ achievements and wins, and ensure they do the same for you! 

Ultimately, building confidence in your daughters comes down to helping them figure out who they are and allowing them to safely and securely take risks and grow. By trying these strategies and building on your ever-evolving sense of self-confidence, you’ll continue to raise confident girls ready to take on the world once they get to high school. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!