Psst… You aren’t the one in Middle School!

Psst… You aren’t the one in Middle School!

Raise your hand if you had an awesome middle school experience! 

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(I can hear the crickets and the nervous coughing…) 

Had that question been asked in a crowded gym of Xennial and Millenial parents, I can guarantee that very few hands would be in the air. Not only that, but a nervous murmur would undoubtedly go through the crowd. We middle-agers love to joke about the awkward middle school stage and bond with others who experienced the same: the horrible braces, the awkward school photos, and the elusive mean girl clique. 

But now, you find yourself in a scary and bewildering situation: it’s 2025, and you are raising a middle school student! Your tween is suddenly coming home with piles of homework, increasingly oily skin, and friends whose parents you’ve never met. And you’re feeling much of that same existential dread you felt in 1994. 

People often ask me for advice on raising middle school kids. My first advice is, “Remind yourself you’re not the one in middle school!” As parents, we project many insecurities and fears onto our children. At no time is that truer than when our daughter is suddenly caught in a best-friend triangle that has gone awry while she has a three-page paper on climate change due in the morning. However, it is so crucial that when our kids come to us seeking care and advice, we step into our role as parents and forget about that time when Susie three-way called you with Samantha secretly on the other line, causing you emotional trauma for months to come. 

How can we ensure that our own middle school experience doesn’t shape our approach to parenting our kids during this period? Here are some tips.

1.) Notice when you are projecting. 

Projecting is an entirely human thing to do. Don’t feel bad about it, but DO notice when you’re doing it. Did your skin get prickly when your daughter shared what so-and-so said at lunch today? Did someone seemingly turn up the heat in the room? If so, you’re probably experiencing some feelings about how you might have felt being in the same situation. In the moment, try to be curious about your emotions and fears. What is the story bringing up for you? If your feelings are trending negatively, take a deep breath, and maybe even ask your daughter for a moment to think about how you’d like to support her. 

The most common outcome of projecting I see from moms is a feeling of helplessness – you didn’t know how to handle this situation when you were 12, and you immediately feel like you don’t know how to handle it now. But the truth is, you have so much more experience and perspective now. You have so much to offer your child to support them through this situation. You’re the adult now, and you are no longer helpless. Your job isn’t to take charge but to help them understand what steps they can take to remedy the situation.

2.) Be present.
It’s so easy to retreat as a parent when your child becomes a middle school student. Not only do they seem more independent, but they also aren’t asking for your support as much as they used to. On top of that, you have no interest in going through middle school a second time! However, the most important thing you can do for your tween and teen is to show up. Be there. Be present. Figure out the silly slang, learn the newest trends, and ask your kids about their classes, friends, and lives. I find teens tend to open up the most right before bedtime (or, as we get older, before bedtime, since they stay up later than us!). Take advantage of that time and hang out with them a bit. Sit in their room (ignore the mess), climb into their bed, or bring them a late-night snack. Through these conversations, you’ll see more and more the awesome humans your teens are becoming.

3.) Be genuine in your curiosity about your teen’s feelings and experiences. Be open to their differences.   

Times have changed, and so have kids. Today, kids have different resources, tools, and ideas about situations. For your kids, this includes how you’ve raised them! You’ve taught them how to be resilient and a good friend. A situation might seem complicated for them, but you can help them use those tools to navigate it differently than you did. To stop yourself from projecting, ask genuine questions and then sit back and listen. 

Let’s say your daughter tells you her friend spread a rumor about her at school. If this happened to you in 1992 (it probably did!), you’d have been embarrassed and would have retreated and wanted to hide. Your instinct is to shower your daughter with love and ice cream and ask if she wants to stay home from school tomorrow. However, after taking some deep breaths and asking her how she’s feeling, you realize she’s not embarrassed- she’s angry. She knows good friends don’t spread rumors, but she also knows this friend has some insecurities she has struggled with recently. She wants advice on approaching the friend directly- something you gave her the confidence to do! If you let your feelings take over, you may have missed what your daughter truly needed from you at that moment. 

4.) Remember what you loved about your tween and early teen years. 

If we’re honest with ourselves, it wasn’t all bad, was it?! You probably have a few friends left from that time of your life, and it’s heartwarming to think about how those friends saw you at your most awkward and still stood by you. You might have won an award in school or had a moment when you discovered a talent or hobby that you still love today. You likely had your first school dance (“End of the Road”, anyone?) or joined your first competitive team. You may even remember a moment when you realized you were becoming more independent! Maybe you remember your parents dropping you and your friends off at the roller rink or the movie theater or letting you walk to KMart or Venture. These moments made you who we are now, and we must try to associate some positive memories with that time of our lives to better relate to our tweens and teens. Doing so not only helps us to relate to them more profoundly but also helps us to brainstorm ways to pull them out of a moody or down day. (Spoiler alert: the roller rink is still super fun.) 

5.) Understand that you can parent your daughter in ways you wish you had been parented.  

Being the parent of a middle school child is truly a blessing. Yes, you read that right! Did you know that after 0-5, most brain changes and growth happen during adolescence? Adolescence is a genuine opportunity to raise your kids with the love, guidance, and support you had, if you were lucky, or that you wish you had. Do you wish you had a parent who was more present? Then be more present! Do you wish your parent had backed away a bit during this time? Then, give your child more freedom to make mistakes and learn. Did you hear “I love you,” or “I’m so proud of you,” or “I love watching you play” enough? Did your parent share about themselves, or were they distant? Did you learn self-care and the importance of family from your parents, or were they always too busy? Break those habits and teach your kids to pay attention to their needs. Reflecting on your childhood will give you a roadmap for how to raise your tween/teen during middle school. You are more than ready to be what your child needs you to be.